Category Archives: Preschool

The Open Letter Forum

The time has come.  I feel an Open Letter Forum is upon us.  It is said, therefore it is written, hence, we commence a series of Open Letters.

A few samples on the platter include the following:

An Open Letter …

*  … to My Offspring, Apologies That I Pillaged Your Easter Baskets (again),

*  … to the CEO of UBER,

* … to the (alledged) Swingers (gasp!) of My Small Town,

* … Tiger Parents,

* … My Fellow Just Average Brethren,

* … Any Future Potential Employers,

* … The Hot Dads,

* … God, G-d, The Gods, Buddha, The Prophet, Etc., *

* …. My Future Daughters-In-Law,

* … Facebook Posters in Need of an Etiquette Class,

* … Drivers of Large Expensive Vehicles with Stick People, Organizational Activities, and Orthodontist Magnets Attached,

* … People Who Give Me Dirty Looks at the Grocery Store,

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Many of these letters have been inspired by recent text messages, GNO discussions, FB private messages, frantic and frequent phone calls and clandestine conversations in the preschool parking lot.  If you have an idea for an Open Letter, please message me.  You will remain anonymous, if you so choose.

*  This letter will have a sub-series of letters

Leprechaun Love

Typically, I’d ask all of us SlackerMom’s to join hands once again, unite and refuse to participate in the Leprechaun shenanigans surely our fellow PinterestMom’s will show us up with tomorrow morning.  But, ladies, I feel like we have a much bigger movement on our hands that would involve Tooth Faeries, Elves on the Shelves, and the like being neutralized.  We must take this one creature of the imagination that has epically been blown out of proportioned and marketed by Target at a time.

Take a deep ujjayi breathe.  Never fear, I am here to help you.

If you are a BoyMom like I am (yes, I know, the last kid technically has girl parts) , here’s a quick and dirty guide to have your kids thinking they have rockstar leprechauns and you feeling like you’ve actually got it together…for this holiday at least.  The mess is minimal and can be done in the common bathroom, or wherever your lil’ nuggets go for their morning constitutional.

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Let me break it down…

1.  Green food dye- Dump a few drops into the toilet seat, swish around with a plastic disposable spoon, and voila!  The leprechauns peed in the toilet!  Leave a few dribbles on the seat for that added extra detail.

2.  Wintermint/Spearmint or Lime Tic Tacs (depending on what level of green concentration you prefer)-   This idea I have to credit to my neighbor.  She used to tell her daughters’ that the Tic Tac’s were liliputian leprechaun poops.  Brilliant!  (Disclaimer:  Your kids will eat the Tic Tac’s and inevitably, a conversation will ensue on the morality of eating leprechaun poop.  Is it ok because it has fermented into candy sold in the check out lane at the grocery store?)

4.  Green Sparkly Decorating Gel- Smear all over the toilet, the bowl of the sink and the mirror.  The leprechauns have “snotted” all over the place! Ewww!  (This is most believable if you have children in your home that have actually snotted on the mirrors before, AS IF ….!!!)

SlackerMom’s, go forth with your gross leprechaun rascality.  Erin go bragh!

The PRESCHOOL Car Line/Parking Lot

You didn’t think I was going to stop with The Elementary School Car Line, did you?  I haven’t even warmed up yet …

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I am mostly a rule follower, most certainly when it pertains to the children, although this takes a lot of effort on  my part.  I mostly follow school rules at private preschools and public schools alike.  So I must say, to those of you who belligerently break the rules, you really annoy those of us who follow them.  For real.

Preschool Example #1:  This is the lovely preschool my daughter attends.  We’ve been attending this bucolic church preschool, with it’s very own graveyard, since our transfer to the frozen tundra 5 years ago.  The rules aren’t terribly rigid, but there are specific parking lot rules, i.e. DON’T PARK IN THE FRONT SPACES WHERE THE LARGE CONES AND FLORESCENT PLASTIC PEOPLE HOLDING FLAGS ARE.  I am no rocket scientist, I hold a mere bachelor’s degree in an unusable subject, but even I understand not to park in these spaces.

So, once and awhile, when I pull into the parking lot, I cannot understand why there is a vehicle parked in such a space.  The driver of the typically overpriced and oversized luxury vehicle had to not only stop the car to brush aside one of the florescent NO PARKING indicators, but could have legally parked in a spot a mere…15 feet behind the illegal spot.

I usually sit simmering in my own vehicle talking to the voices in my head and warning them to sit tight…I don’t want to be that Mom in the parking lot starting a war…but seriously?

Preschool Example #2:  Twice a week, I venture to another fine preschool where The Middle attends Kindergarten Enrichment.  (What is this you ask?  Kindergarten in our school district is just 1/2 day, which leaves those of us mothers, you can just guess who we are, scrambling most afternoons to find entertainment for our “bored” 6 year olds.  In recent years, a cure to the boredom was invented.  Kindergarten Enrichment class- including music, art and cooking- was born.  Twice a week. Let me put it this way, my kid was on the waiting list 8 months before the school year commenced.)

To my luck (planned, but whatever), two of The Middle’s friends also attend Enrichment, so we effectively use a carpool system.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, I park in the parking lot- AS ARE THE RULES AND AS I AM INSTRUCTED-and muddle my way through said lot, navigating through groups of bustling mothers with small children running amok and SUV’s and minivan’s weaving all about- with * FOUR * children.  Now, these are not children who regularly listen and obey my authority.  Only 1 of them follows instruction and holds my hand.  The other 3 (2 of which are my own) do not heed my word, rather jump into snow piles, scream words like “diahrrea head” and sprint into the building knocking other children down like bowling pins.  We are quite a sight.

So, when I see a vehicle pulled up to the front of the entrance…WHERE YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO PULL UP TO WHEN IT IS NOT THE CAR LINE and a Mom puts her car in park and bops out WITH NO OTHER CHILDREN IN TOW, I feel …angry.  Yes, angry. I FEEL ANGRY THAT YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES. I FEEL ANGRY THAT YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHILDREN WITH YOU.  I…FEEL…ANGRY.

 I implore you, are you one of these parents who commits such atrocity in the Preschool parking lot or Car Line?  If so, I repeat, to those of you who belligerently break the rules, you really annoy those of us who follow them. For real.

 

The Elementary School Car Line

As to clarify that I am not a complete ogre, but obviously this post does not pertain to those children who, 1.)  have any type of special need that requires adult assistance, or  2.)  have a cello in tow.

I am a person of superhuman patience, truly I am.  But one of these days, I am going to implode and my guess would be it’s going to be at 8:52 AM while I am in the midst of an active car drop off at my childrens’ elementary school.  Before I begin my rant, let me explain why I drive my children to school in the morning, because you are going to ask why I don’t just let them ride the big yellow school bus.  Yes, they ride the bus home in the afternoon, but they are literally the last stop in the morning after 9 AM.  This doesn’t work for any of us for a plethora of reasons.

1.  The Eldest begins his day at 6 AM.   By 8:30 AM, IT IS TIME TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  Additionally, The Eldest is Type A and likes to have his morning work completed.  If he takes the bus, he arrives right as the bell rings and has a mild anxiety attack as he was not able to have all his pencils sharpened and lined up.

2.  By 8:30 AM…IT IS TIME TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BEGIN THE DAY.  (Really, it’s time to get out of the house.)

3.  The Nosy Meap has preschool at 9 AM twice a week, if I don’t drop the boys off at school earlier, she misses the first critical 20 minutes of Toddler Pre-K.  I just can’t sacrifice her education like that.

Back to The Car Line.  To you non-breeder readers out there, The Car Line is a drop off/pick up line of ankle biter carriers (you call them cars) waiting to…drop off or pick up said little ones while idling in a lane at an elementary school.

There are a lot of unspoken rules (and rules in writing, but who abides by those?) about The Car Line, such as…

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*  Be efficient, drop off your little one, drive away

*  Don’t stop your car when  you see a pal, pull up parallel to his/her car to chat, therefore blocking the entire line

*  Slowly put your phone down and stop texting in an actively moving car line

*  Don’t try to have conversations with school personel manning the door by screaming out of your car window

*  Don’t feel as if you have to be directly in front of the school doors to drop your child(ren) off…if you are 3 cars back, it is ok to let them exit your vehicle and walk to the front door…you can actually see them walking through your windshield…you can observe them entering the building…even 6 cars back…trust me…

and, drumroll . . .For the love of all that is good and pure in this world…

*  DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THE CAR, WHO HAPPENS TO BE SITTING BEHIND YOU SO YOU HAVE TO WALK IN FRONT OR BEHIND YOUR VEHICLE CAUSING CARS IN FRONT OR BEHIND YOUR VEHICLE TO ADJUST, PUT YOUR CHILD’S BOOKBAG ON, DOUBLE CHECK ALL ZIPPERS AND CLASPS, HAVE A LONG HUG SESSION AND WAR GAME ABOUT THEIR DAY WHEN THERE ARE 4 BUSSES BRIMMING WITH CHILDREN AND AT LEAST 2 DOZEN CARS BEHIND YOU!!!

Again, I might sound completely archaic, but the last bullet point should be done at home.  Kiss them good bye in the mudroom. Talk all about the positive opportunities the school day will bring on the car ride over while Kidzbop is blaring the Katy Perry cover of “Roar” during your Tony Robbins’ moment.  Have them sit on the side of the car closest to the curb (my boys will be Olympic hurdlers one day, you should see them clear their sister and her bulky carseat with precision).

Deep breathes, folks.  It can be done.  Just watch them hop, skip and jump all the way into school without having to hold their hand…

Woes of The Pathetic Valentine Mommy

There’s nothing like a fabricated holiday, such as Valentine’s Day, to make those slacker Mom’s (ummmm) feel even less Pinterest-worthy and just down right lazy.

Case in point….I present…a valentine that was in my 2 year old’s “valentine mailbox” from preschool.

securedownloadOh, dear.

Love it! Sooo cute!  But, that looks like A LOT of work.

This must have required mulitple assembly line purchasing/crafting.

1.  Someone had to go to a store a buy all this, alternatively maybe a 1-2-3 Amazon Prime click….but still.

2.  Computer use and multiple font design and implementation was required.

3.  Tools and devices were activated!  I haven’t seen a GLUE GUN since Rush circa 1999.

4.  Ribbon, cut out glitter flowers, cut out circles!  Scissors…scissors???

I will spare myself the embarassment of what my offsprings’ valentine’s looked like…but you can only guess…

The Eldest- He’s practically an adult at age 8, so I bought him a kit from Target and a bag of candy and let him do some independant crafting and taping. Not entirely lame, there was AT LEAST 1% Mommy participation.

The Middle–  Pre-assembled Star Wars valentines were purchased.  Again, at age 6, he’s almost legal. I gave him scissors, a glue stick, and his class list and told him to “have fun!”.

Nosy Meap-   Again, 2 is never too young to start cutting the apron strings.  I bought Hello Kitty pre-assembled valentines and gave her a pink crayon to “write her name”.

Seriously. You wish I was your Mom.

 


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