I am reticent to write this post, alas, I must. I must write it for my fellow frustrated friends who journey through the the borough on a daily basis. I must write it to your parents, to bring these matters to their attention. I must write it for you. AS PERHAPS JUST ONE OF YOU WILL READ THIS, A DING WILL GO OFF AND A CHAIN REACTION WILL COMMENCE! (Naaaa. But, my, ’tis a thought that warms my cold, dark heart.)
Before I sound like my own parents, and even a little like my Grandfather who lived through the Great Depression, let me explain something. I can relate to you- no really, I can. Although I am 37 years old, have 3 kids to whom I can’t administer basic effective discipline, and I wake up at 6:30 AM EVERY SINGLE DAY- it really wasn’t that long ago that I, too, was staying out all hours of the night and drinking fruity concoctions called hunch punch while dressed up as a member of the Yanomamo tribe. Really, it feels like just yesterday that I was smearing leftover 2 AM Papa John’s garlic butter spread on my toast for breakfast, at 11:57 AM. Please also consider that I used to live in the town of Tallahassee, Florida home of my beloved alma mater, Florida State. When I still lived on the canopy laden streets of Leon County, I was also frustrated by the new generation of Seminoles. Consider this post advice I’d like to give to most college students in the nation, you Golden Rams just play the role of my prime example as I interact with you every.single.day.
Here is the quick and dirty of how I believe I cannot only save your lives, but give you advice to incorporate into your future careers. This will really impress your big girl/boy job bosses. (Yes, you will have more than one boss in the era of multilevel corporate management.)
* Look before you cross the street. Just stop for a moment and look both ways. Don’t look for motorcycles or teenage drivers, look for Mom’s driving vehicles packed with children. I can’t describe the chaos that is occurring in the car, and I can’t tell you how many times I slam on my breaks because one of you emerges from nowhere and SAUNTERS ACROSS THE ROAD WITHOUT LOOKING. (Middle Child is recovering from mild whiplash after such incident occurred tonight, just past the intersection of High and Rosedale.)
* USE THE PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY. It makes sense, right? Use the frequent pathways marked with neon green reflectors “Pedestrian Walkway”, versus the unmarked asphalt in between.
* It is not a good idea to roam around in public with buds in your ears blasting music. Situational awareness is key to basic survival, whether you be on the streets of the borough or Floor 34 of the corporation you work for. Making your way to a destination without your hearing isn’t wise. Take your ear buds out while you cross the street, again, that Mom in her minivan could be texting while talking on her bluetooth, whildst her kids are screaming they are hungry for McDonald’s and not even notice you skulking inches from her bumper.
* Maybe I sound crazy, but walking while texting, walking across the street while texting is not a good idea. All back to that “situational awareness” notion.
* To sum it up, try not to CROSS THE STREET WITHOUT LOOKING, WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC, TEXTING ON YOUR HANDHELD DEVICE, AND SMOKING A CIGARETTE. Could Houdini have done that?
* This bullet point is dedicated to my friend, Lisa. She is a resident of the borough and sees you often and frequently. She get’s a little upset that some of you choose to go to class in your jammies. Just consider that more than 50% of my married friends met their spouses at…wait for it…college. You may consider just pulling a brush through your hair or throwing a pair of jeans on. A little lip gloss never hurt anyone. You just never know if the future father of your children will be sitting behind you in Bio 101. No, this is not a double standard, gentlemen. You can’t live in Under Armor that hasn’t been washed since your mother got a hold of your dirty laundry during Christmas break.
* Learn how to use cash. I know it’s a lost art with the invention of debit/credit cards, but learning to count change swiftly and manuever decimals will come in handy one day. Like, if you play the stock market.
* Please, I beg of you, stop saying “totes” and “amazeballs”. If you choose to use slang, use cool words that can transcend time, awesome is a prime example. Steve Jobs was saying awesome in his garage in Silicon Valley in 1979. I promise you, the inventer of the time travel machine is not going to say “that was totes amazeballs!”
Love & Stuff,
Cranky Old Lady of The Borough ‘Burbs