Like most of my ideas, my intentions are always pure. I thought that when I picked up a bag of “Autumn Mix” candies at the grocery store last week, the-people-in-this-house-who-enjoy-such-treats would be delighted that I found a new medley that included both candy corns AND candy pumpkins. I paid no regard to the oddly colored candy corns- figuring it was the authentic Indian corn added to make it that extra special geniune “Autumn Mix”. (Indian corn being synonomous with Autumn and all that.) Clearly I forgot my glasses that day. It wasn’t until I heard The Middle shrieking in a dramatic display akin to Janet Leigh in Psycho, and watch him gag and spit masticated candy corn remnants in my kitchen sink did I realize my mistake. Quickly, said child summoned The King of All Things Candy Corn (My husband) to the candy dish. “What is THIS????” My husband glared at me as if he found a love text from Mike Greenberg on my phone. “Flavored candy corn??? What is wrong with you???”
Hear me now, Mr. CEO of Brach’s Candy Company! What is wrong with YOU???
For the love of all that is pure and holy in the world of processed food…leave the pumpkin spice out of my candy corn. And really, s’mores flavored candy corns? Really? You thought selling 4 billion trillion candy corns every fall – wait, I mean late summer bleeding into fall season wasn’t enough? You thought throwing out an assortment of nauseating flavors would quadruple sales?
I request, NAY – I DEMAND you to stop this infiltration of impure factory bred flavors of gag. What’s wrong with missionary style candy corn? Candy we just keep it NORMAL for *(#$%& sakes?
While we are at it…caramel macchiato candy corns? Did Brach’s hire the ex-director of marketing for Starbucks? Are we to expect salted caramel candy canes this holiday season?
P.S. Whach out, Oreos, you are next ! Caramel Apple flavored filling???? I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.