Graphic (Consider Yourself Warned) Information No One Mentions in Any of Those Ridiculous Pregnancy Books

Recently, I headed down South and reunited with some of my favorite Florida Statians.  As always, it was great to catchup on 17 years of Delta Love and consume plenty of delicious Chateau Saint-Pierre de Mejans rose’ and tequila.  The conversation was all over the map- the lively dating life of our single friend to married sex in your late thirties when you have little people banging on your bedroom door (sorry Dad. I didn’t mean for you to find out this way…).  And of course, with 2 of the girls having babies just approaching their 1st birthdays, my sweet little friend Sparky asked me to write a post about the transformations one’s body goes through long after childbirth that neither the Doc nor the hippest new pregnancy book ever divulge.  We spent a lot of time discussing these matters.  So, consider yourself warned and pass this onto anyone you may think is planning on procreating, but should sit on it for a bit longer.

10.  You will get varicose veins.  And not necessary just in your thighs. They can pop up…anywhere. I have a friend who named hers.

9.  Neither “prolonged lactation” nor the “rhythm method” are effective birth control methods.  My middle child is a perfect example of why they are not 100% preventative.

8.  Certain body parts can prolapse into other body parts. Google this.

7.  I had a friend who only breastfed for a day.  2 1/2 years later she could still lactate.  Now that’s a fun parlor trick.

6.  Hair…you end up losing what you want to keep, and gaining what you wanted to be rid of. If you plan or think you may have another baby, don’t waste your money on laser hair treatments. The onslaught of pregnancy hormones resuscitates long dead hair follicles. Not sure how this is even scientifically possible, but it is.

Hair, Part II.  You can grow nipple hairs. I have a flaxen haired friend who sprouted Lycan hair all over her      mammaries.

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Hair, Part III.  Yes, most women grow lush maines of hair whildst pregnant, and then watch it go down the drain for months after the baby is born.  But, no one tells you about the inconsistent growth of leg and armpit hair.  During pregnancy, one may need to dust off the Venus razor once every week or two, yet during breastfeeding, if you don’t shave everyday, you actually start to look like a real life Lycan.

5.  Your balloons will completely deflate.  EVEN IF YOU DON’T BREASTFEED.  I don’t know many women who have escaped unscathed. The good news is that they can be re-inflated bigger and rounder!  Can I get a collective “weeeee!”

4.  Nasty skin discoloration and flaking…in your armpits!  Not even dandruff shampoo helps.

3.  Hot flashes…followed by very cold flashes.  You may find yourself drenched in sweat one minute, then requiring a sweatshirt the next.  It is maddening, but I can only assume a pre-rec for menopause.

2.  The sensation of having to pee during sex. Apparently, when estrogen levels dive, the lining of the bladder thins. The word on the street is that this is EXCRUCIATING for all involved.

And….drumroll…:

1.  In honor of my last post and my friend “Kerry” who really is going to have 5 kids…tell your husband who had the vasectomy, MAKE A DATE WITH THE PLASTIC CUP AND PENTHOUSE CIRCA 1986 (just to change it up) AND GET TESTED – double or triple check!

One thought on “Graphic (Consider Yourself Warned) Information No One Mentions in Any of Those Ridiculous Pregnancy Books

  1. Sparky says:

    Thank you! I’m confident that you just saved countless future Mamas from wondering at 2 AM if they should put an emergency call into their OB’s office…again. My advice: wear shorts and tank tops AND be sure to always have a sweatshirt on hand (even at night), don’t try to do too much to your skin for at least a year after giving birth (think mini facials, cleanse well, a good eye cream, nighttime moisturizer and sunscreen during the day), and find a great friend who will remind you that these are all just “normal hormonal shifts” when you are too sleep deprived to remember yourself!

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