NOTE: THIS IS AN INTERACTIVE POST. IF YOU HAVE NO COPY ON YOUR PERSON, IMMEDIATELY PURCHASE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED’S 2013 SWIMSUIT EDITION THEN READ THIS ONE…..
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still am. It’s normal, right? He descends (BOTH bloodlines), from a long line of men who – let’s say- “appreciate” attractive women. (His father took me to The Tilted Kilt Pub and Eatery for dinner tonight. Click on the link and check out the waitress uniforms. This should explain the lineage we are dealing with.)
What young male wouldn’t lock himself in his bedroom with the newest edition of Sports Illustrated, Kate Upton and her more than generous cleavage gracing the cover? (Can’t.stop.staring.at.them, by the way. They are like two genetically infused cantalopes.)
I guess I figured he’d be a little older…maybe at least in middle school. But, alas, it turns out my Cherub-Choir-singing-fresh-freckly-faced-7 –year-old was drooling all over Swimsuit 2013, All Seven Continents.
To a degree, I don’t entirely believe in censoring nudity. After all, this is the House of The Naked Booty Dance (to which I don’t partake), where all children- and sometimes their Dad- do The Naked Booty Dance when heading to the showers. So, when I entered his room and saw him perusing the magazine, I decided I was not going to freak out. It was not like it was Playboy. There was no plastic cover on it when it arrived in the mail, after all. I didn’t want him to think it was shameful to see a girl in a bikini. I was just going to sit with him while he “read” the Swimsuit Edition. Wrong. This was Interactive Parenting 101.
“Um, Mom. Can I have some privacy, please?” That was my first clue. I hadn’t had a chance to flip through the issue myself yet, so I wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. When I peered over his shoulder and saw the painted on bathing suits, he alarmingly stated “Don’t tell Dad!!!” Which, to those of you who know My Husband, know he was proud when I told him what transpired today. We sort of bantered back and forth, which alerted The Middle Child downstairs, who then decided to join us in our family reading. The conversation went a little like this:
• “Mom…these bathing suits are not ‘ppropriate for Wedgewood!” (Wedgewood is our local family pool. All kids and moms. I can only imagine if someone showed up in a leopard print painted on bikini. I am fairly certain someone would call the police.)
• “You can see her privacy!” (About the mesh “shirt” girl on page 185. This was most perplexing to The Oldest. “How does she wear this in the swimming pool??, he asked. I confessed, it would be really hard to do a cannonball and keep this top on.)
• “Where are her underwear under her scarf?” page 18, Kate Upton wearing just a strategically placed scarf and boots in Antarctica.
• To his little brother: “Look, these are REAL girls!” (As opposed to fake ones??)
• Little bro: “Why did she spank herself? How did she spank herself? Do you think it hurt?” page 186
• Little bro: Look! That’s Kate, our babysitter! Big brother: That is NOT Kate the babysitter. She has no bathing suit top on!!! (Sorry, Kate…..E thought you were Chrissy Teigen. Check out page 166.)
Throughout this new experience in parenting, I discovered there is hope for The Oldest. I am reminded when my college roommate, Princess, came to visit me after he was born in 2005. She looked me deep in my baggy, shadowed eyes and told me I had a duty to raise him to be a nice guy. That my son could not be an a$$. (We had a bit of experience with these types of boys.)
So, when I asked him why he thought beautiful, sparkly and mostly nudey Anne V. was pretty, he said, “I just like her smile”….Princess would be proud.