Product in Question #1, Organic Deodorant- An Extensive Review

Organic Deodorant?  You question, is that an oxymoron?  Quite possibly.  Wasn’t deodorant devised in a very sterile laboratory of materials not found in nature to mask one’s own *organic* smell?

Due to budgetary constrictions over here at Hyphenista Incorporated, a mere five-day experiment was conducted within the confines of one test subject.  To protect the privacy of said Cavia porcellus, we will name her the ubiquitous Ms. X.  Ms. X had been overloading on Aluminum Zinconium Tetrochlorohydrex for over 25 years and her armpits were in a sad state of affairs.  Itchy, bumpy, discolored…eek.  It was time to bring it back to the basics, as it is doubtful that Cro Magnon had chemi-pits.  She was always active, quite spastic and broke into a sweat multiple times a day.  Perfect testee material.

Ms. X chose Whole Foods to make her organic selection.  No doubt Whole Foods would have the best representation of expensive organic deodorant.  Nourish Organic “Forest” flavor was chosen.  1.  It was the cheapest of the organic selection at $6.99 for the cream version, and 2.  It smelled delightfully Christmas-y in the bottle (Yes, Ms. X being incognito and all that and took a sniff before she purchased).

Unknown-1

 

Day 1 & Day 2-  Ms. X was organically euphoric in her constant state of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree pit sniffage.

Day 3-  Hmmm…a slight aroma was detected during Humble Warrior…

Day 4-  She was up at 4 a.m. with her youngest who spiked a fever, followed by her middle child’s 4 hour swim meet and rounded out the day with her oldest child’s 2+ hour baseball game.  She forgot to smell her armpits.

Day 5- 90 degree creek hike day! Ms. X admitted she felt she smelt a bit gamey.  The balsam-cedar-fir aroma was quickly overpowered by the au naturale whiffs of pure armpit.

In conclusion, Nourish claims it is “organic and effective”.  Ms. X regretfully reports the delightful scent was no match for her organics.

Next up, Product in Question #2.

 

Happy Father’s Day ???

I wrote the post below while on the verge of hysterical eruption.  48 hours later, I am just slightly less furious with the person called “Dad” in this house.  Although I  contemplated rubbing poison ivy oil all over his shiny bald head, I remind myself that this man has logged in 102,839,849 hours of baseball catches with The Oldest.  At bedtime, he sings to our daughter his homeade lullabies.  His tired, achy back will still willingly haul our 66 lb middle kid around when he says, “Daddy’s shoulders?”  Further, he woke up extra early today to make each of them cooked to-order breakfast before a long travel week.   He truly is the perfect Dad for this family.

Happy Father’s Day???

I hope you all enjoyed a fantastic Father’s Day. Perhaps you took the father of your children to brunch, maybe you had his car detailed?  For sure you orchestrated the creation of all the childrens’ “homemade” gifts. Who doesn’t want more fragile pottery creations to clutter up counter space?  Pat yourselves on the back, ladies. I am sure you provided a lovely day for the dad of the house.

I must report that this household didn’t share in such joy.  I was on a bit of a boycott.

My husband made an error on Saturday afternoon.  A mistake so profound, it caused me to … call his mother crying.  Let’s just say there will be NO social media postings with me declaring him “best Dad EVER”.

Why, why such anger, you ask?  (Am I being melodramatic?)

MY HUSBAND instructed our friend to  SHAVE OFF OUR SON’S BEAUTIFUL HAIR. (Officer Scott,  RUN the next time you see me.)

FullSizeRender

Know this, The Middle is MY child.  He is the only one of our brood whom my husbands’ dominant genes has not overtaken.  He is wild and silly and a little bit weird.  He still holds my hand and will sneak into my bed in the middle of the night when he has a nightmare.   You will find me during his wedding reception laying on a bathroom floor sobbing.

He has spectacular hair that has been described as something you’d buy off a Starbucks menu. Caramel in color with blondish highlights, silky and wavy.  I.love.his.hair.  The lady who works at the Giant deli loves his hair.  EVERYONE LOVES HIS HAIR. As a toddler he had auburn ringlets I used to trim myself.  When I am an old lady waiting for death to come take me,  I will have visions of his hair.

Yes, of course, the buzz cut was requested. And, yes of course, said child loves it.  And, yes, I know it will grow back, but all Dad haircut priveledges have been forever revoked in this house!

 

 

A Letter To My Adult Children Somewhere in the Distant Future,

97706be583cf12c8e40e8aa4aab8c965ff

Firstly, may I offer my condolences to you. I’d too be pissed if I had me for a mother.  I hope you accept and love me regardless of how much therapy you need now.   I beg your forgiveness, pray you boys married capable women and baby girl learned how to fold laundry under her Dad’s tutelage.

My transgressions ran aplenty, allow me to beg your forgiveness on the following:

*  Apologies on the ironing situation.  Really, it is such a long and arduous chore and you immediately wrinkled your clothing back up, so really, I didn’t hardly ever bother.  It was far simpler to throw ironable clothing into Dad’s drycleaning bin.  He never did notice…

*  Terribly sorry super tasty meals weren’t provided.    No one in the history of time has botched blue box macaroni and cheese worse than me.  Now if you had been good little bambinos and liked chicken proscuitto lasagna …   My heart hurts to think you will have come home from college for holiday break and your homecooked meal will be raspberries and shredded rotisserie chicken.

*  I am aptly apologetic that as young children you were aware of Walking Dead plotlines and were schooled on how to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse that  never came to the suburbs of Philadelphia.

* I am regretful of my tone.  I hope you weren’t too scarred by my “outside yelly voice” that I used inside. A. Lot….aka All of the time.

*  I am sorry you showed up at every birthday party you were invited to with a movie theatre gift card.   Really, who has time to buy and wrap presents for other peoples children?

*  Do ya’ll still have potty mouths? I guess I should have played the part of the grownup and not laughed at all the toilet humor. Or said dammit so much.  Oops.

*  Firstborn, do you remember the time when you were 9 years old and we were on our way back from another hellacious “field trip” (do I get bonus points for going on those migraine inducing ventures) and you cried tears of joy when upon inquiry I told you that all we were doing that Friday night was watching a movie? Yikes on the overscheduling.  I am guessing you quit all your atheletic and musical pursuits by middle school due to overexposure.

*  I do you hope you don’t still eat food that was dropped on the floor.  We had a 30 second rule during your childhood…as long as you could grab the Cheez It before the ants did…

Happy Mother’s day to me, a low-average mother of questionable parenting.  Much Love, Mom

P.S. Under no circumstances do I apologize for being the Mega Homework Nag. Ya’ll should be leaders of the free world…

Dear Mother Nature,

As March commences, we are hit with another 2 hour delay tomorrow.Oh, hell no, (the Bostonians are shouting a string of much more creative expletives…) you didn’t! But of course you did!  The Philadelphia suburbs and apparently all of Washington D.C. would like to graciously thank you for today’s ice storm, which put the lingering 3 inches of dirty grey snow on our yards in ice lock down.  On March 1st. Super.  Can we cry Uncle??

images

I guess today begins the unofficial miserable ending to the coldest winter in the northeast in 36 years. Thanks, by the way, not sure how super helpful record breaking cold is, but it sure kept all of our kids housebound for the last 2 months.  Begins the ending, you say? Yes, if we are to look at your track record we can only deduce that this is the dawn of an approximate month-long Springtease. (By the way, you’ve had the Floridians in a frenzy. You gave it to them good- making them endure days in the 40’s.  I hope you were checking your social media to see how upset they were.  Next year, they’d like some snow.  Just for fun.) This has been a doozy. Clearly, the pharmacuetical lobbyists have gotten to you (too!).  Was this the year of record numbers of northeasterners crushing up any seratonin producing pharmaceutical in sight???

At this point, the weather channel has run out of edgy, masculine storm names. They’ve been reduced to envoking ancient battle states. We are onto Sparta, which probably has dads invoking Gerard Butler’s Leonidas shouting to the children, “Spartans, ready your snowshovels!”

Here’s the deal.  Rita’s Water Ice opened today.  We’d like to start enjoying the real stuff without having the option of chipping it off of our gutters.  This is tremendously torturous … throw us a bone!

Love ‘N Stuff,

The Entire East Coast

Resolutions … Fuhgeddaboudit!

Happy New Year!

Know this, all evidence of our holiday was eviscerated from our living quarters and banished to the arctic chill of the attic as of December 27 th.  This is not shocking when one is wed to a supremely organized human and his order taking minnion, The Firstborn.  The rest of us try to avoid them at all cost during “Christmas clean-up”and can be found hiding in the laundry room snacking on stale mini saltines whilst perusing www.loveandknuckles.com.

Due to this unexpected gift of extra time, what did I accomplish during the last few days of break?  I have been ferociously brainstorming a 2015 New Year’s Resolution List.  The irony of the fact that it is January 4 th is not lost.  In my mind, as New Year’s Day fell on a Thursday, the annexed weekend simply does not count as the new year. A fresh 2015 begins for me Monday morning, January 8 th.  That was 4 BONUS days to imbibe on my bad habits.

If you can’t be bothered to generate one or are simply too busy, I am here for you.  As a courtesy to my readers, I have banged out a few resolutions for you that are guarenteed to ensure a happy 2015.

1325282120433_3522407

8.  Do less housework! Why fold laundry and do dishes when you could be reading a trashy celeb mag or getting your nails done? Rally the children. Why else did you create them?  Pretend it’s 1940’s in rural Idaho where a child’s purpose was do do farm work.  Culturally, we are way too soft on this generation of offspring.  Gather up your toilet brushes and get your kids a’ scrubbin’. 

7.  Be disorganized. Studies show that sloppy people have creative, sparkly minds that shouldn’t be supressed.

6.  Eat very fatty meat.  There are so many toxins in pesticides these days, you are probably doing more harm to yourself eating blackberries and kale.  Organic pig product on the other hand, while full of artery clogging fats, is tasty and full of protein.

5.  Mental Well being!  No complaining about snow, ice and other treacherous weather.  Better living through chemistry- go get a happy pill script and a monthly tanning bed package.   

4.  Stop doing hard excercise classes.  It’s silly, really. Alternatively, because you must take advantage of your gym’s free babysitting, jump on the treadmill for a nice leasurely walk. Don’t go too fast, you need to be able to safely access your social media so you can see pictures of all the parties you weren’t invited to last holiday season.

3. Sleep more! If you just train your oldest child how to use the microwave to make organic pig products for breakfast and leave the milk in the easiest accessable shelf on your fridge, you could sleep in at least an extra 45 minutes every morning.

2.  Be present!  Stop nagging/yelling at kids.  Instead, perfect the pulverizing above rear elbow pinch when they behave badly.  They will be paralyzed and if you are swift, no one else will notice your ninja pinch move.

1.  Stop drinking wine!  It’s much, much too caloric.  But, by all means, don’t stop drinking.  Rum on the rocks or with diet coke is a healthy alternative. Don’t forget gluten free vodka, because we all know if it doesn’t have gluten, it is automatically healthy. 

Godspeed, friends!


Hit Counter provided by Los Angeles SEO