This is dedicated to you, Jenny. May one day Disney be wise enough to install TRX straps from the lampposts and pipe you in on the monitors.
Recently, while at the gym, the aforementioned trainer, Jenny was telling us about her recent trip to Disney.
Ah, Disney world. The best and worst place in America. I believe Disney could be the prime reason the bad guys don’t like the U.S.A. Is it the $12 bucket of popcorn? Maybe the 40-year-old couple (sans kids) adorned in embroidered Mickey jean jackets? During our last visit, someone paid thousands of dollars to have an airplane write “Jesus” in the clouds over Disney. As if all of the sudden Disney guests would smash their whirly twirly light up Mickey toys in the ground, abandon their sparky ear hats and join the Peacecorp?
No. I know why the bad guys don’t like us. It’s the turkey legs. Gluttony at its worst.
I asked Jenny what she thought about the turkey legs. She is a personal trainer who runs 5 miles every morning at 5 am and eats protein bars. I was certain I knew what she thought of the turkey legs. Her eyes grew wide and she gave me a smirk, so I began my rant …
During my last trip to Disney World, I want to grab a mega phone and screech to the people who needn’t be eating 5000 calories in a sitting but who chose to suckle on the fried turkey thigh meat to “PUT THE TURKEY LEG DOWN AND SLOWLY WALK AWAY”. It is revolting. Genetically altered hormone infused dark meat turkey thighs deep-fried in peanut oil. Young children gnashing away with oil dripping down their chins in the sweltering Florida sunshine. Ugh. I am experiencing agita just thinking about it.
Now, I enjoy some fried turkey. It’s an ode to my semi- Southern roots. I inhale fried turkey…ON THANKSGIVING. That’s it, folks. Once a year, maybe twice. Not at Disney, not in the heat, not with gristle smeared all over my face, and especially not when I was 80 lbs overweight after the birth of my 1st child.
I suggest Michelle Obama needs to take a trip to Mickey Mouse Lane. Do you think she can convince Disney to throw some carrot sticks in?