Here we ago again. Another holiday season is upon us, which means to those of us with offspring, The Elf on the Shelf stress has commenced. Oy vey. It’s like Groundhog Day bathed in peppermint crème.
Mommy Wars? Watchu talkin bout, Willis? That’s nothing compared to Elf on the Shelf: Pinterest Worthy Elf versus Slack-Ass Elf shenanigans. As I check my Twitter feed and Facebook posts, for every elf tied up hostage with mini Darth Vader poking at highly flammable felt feet with a toothpick light saber, there is a post of an elf simply hanging out of the bread drawer. I have read countless blogposts of uber creative elf activity and, alternatively, a guide to placing your elf on a rotation between a coffee mug and the chandelier. My personal favorite, of course, is the inappropriate Elf on the Shelf postings. The gold star goes to the person who recreated The Silence of the Lambs scene, “It puts the lotion on it”. Brilliant.
(To this day, my sons’ still speak with twinkles in their eyes about the year our elf, Antonio, left a star pattern of pooped mini chocolate chips. When they are old and hairy and grown, I envision us sipping on Mai Tai’s by the fire and reminiscing about Antonio’s delicious Nestle surprises.)
So, whether parents across America (I say this, as this elf invasion seems to have stayed stateside. As a Brazilian-born mom I know lamented to me yesterday, “There is no elf in South America. There is JUST Santa. What is this elf? Why this elf???”) are rejoicing or cursing their elf, I ask you to pause, read and digest the FB post I came upon to day. It could be much, much worse than worrying about your elf taking a bath with Barbie in mini marshmallows.
From T.J. of the Frozen Tundra:
Our elf never does anything fancy. He’s lucky to even move. As it happens, today, he was sitting on the Christmas candle on the back of the toilet, and the toilet water was red. Our kids deduced he had to use the bathroom, and elf pee must be red… We had a good time telling Shrek how about flushing next time…
However, later this morning, a different explanation emerged. My son was walking to the bus stop with his buddy. His buddy, who has three older sisters, suggested the elf had probably started his, um, feminine cycle. BAHHHHH!!
There you go, folks. If you need another excuse to ice your elf (besides flying out of bed at 11:37 pm last night, like me, after you once again forgot to move the *($#&B elf), that is a good one.
Who wants to have to explain menses to 2nd grade boys ?!?!?
(Please note: At the time of this post, the author has not, repeat, has not put her elf back on the shelf…)