Somebody Bring The Duct Tape (Clear Your Filthy Mind)

In honor of her recent birthday, this is 1/3 dedicated to you, Jenny.  Cheers!  Thanks for making me snicker so hard I have surely partially peed on one of those fancy new spin bikes…for rebuffing my exercise cynicism with “it will only make you stronger”….and especially sticking with our gym when you could go anywhere.  You are not just a hot body in those skorts!  But I mostly dedicate this to Stefanie & Katie, as alas, I too am starting to go to the dark side  …


I am just going to put this out there- typically, I have an exceptionally high tolerance for people who tend to irk others.  I usally find such people entertaining.  There are a few of them in my life, and I have seen them clear rooms.  Really, it’s a gift.  Feel free to test me anytime.  Yet, my tolerance is starting to chip away like a chisel to an ice block.  Alas, there is only so much that even I can suffer through with a smile…..and no place tests me like the gym…


5.  Climate Control.  By nature, I am more cold blooded reptilian.  For those of you who are wondering, if I may take a moment as a former Children’s Zoo Program Intern at the Philadelphia Zoo, clarify that cold blooded doesn’t mean ones blood is cold but that ones blood adapts to surrounding temperatures.   So, I can adapt…except, when it’s April in the Frozen Tundra where I reside (ridiculously cold), everyone is still wrapped in their long sleeved gear…and one person decides she ‘s just too damn hot and makes all the fans erupt in their frigid whirl, doors open…plunging the temperature to 65…really???

4.  The Zoomba people.  Although I have essentially turned down mortgage payments in bets to do Zoomba (I would need an incredible amount of alcoholic coaxing), I appreciate these die hard exercise attenders.  Except when they rush into my class right as it’s ending, push aside the equipment I am trying to put away, and nudge my water bottle over. Grrrr.

3.  Talkers. Texters. Kibitzers.  If you can gossip during an exercise class, you are not really exercising. Trust me, no one likes to yap like I do…but c’mon!

2.  The audience members who love to scream “O, yeahhh, baby”, and some suburban country version of “woot woot”over and over again after the instructor has made his/her calling.  Note to such people: See photo above.  That’s why they are instructors.  They motivate us fellow exerciser’s, you merely annoy the &#* out of the rest of us.  If everyone is giving you the stinkeye, maybe it’s time to tone it down a notch, Killer.

Drumroll, please…da da daaaaa…..

1.  The Monica Seles’ of the crowd. Really, people? If you are groaning and grunting so voraciously that I feel like I am some clandestine part of a pornography shoot at the family gym, you may want to go easy, there, Tiger.   I promise you, we don’t want to feel like we are in your bedroom after hours.

All of this makes me love Jenny even more – she has to deal with these, and some other bodily functions every single day….and she survived meeting my husband last weekend – now I know she’s a friend!


2 thoughts on “Somebody Bring The Duct Tape (Clear Your Filthy Mind)

  1. Sara B says:

    G- catching up on the blog. I laughed so hard about #1 on your list that I couldn’t breathe.

  2. Stefanie says:

    Love it!!! Yee haw!!!!!!

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