This was written by The Husband, who is pretty damn funny in his own right, in 2008 while we were living in our original hometown, Tallahassee, Florida. I do believe at least my boys are old enough to help me resurrect this Earth friendly project come Spring…you know, along with hanging The Bat House on the front porch…
The Worm Farm Part One….the compost
Like most of America, G’s new year’s resolution was to “go green”, but unlike the rest of us who simply changed light bulbs or got a more efficient washing machine, G was determined to take it to a new level. Like many G missions, this one had the two usual ingredients that make these things fun: one, I get roped into it, and two, it snowballed out of control. It all began with the announcement that “we’ll be composting”….because we waste too much lettuce, greens and eggshells. The composting required the purchase of a nice stainless steel container on the counter….the smelting of which must offset any “green” impact we’ll accomplish this year. Now while you might think this is a solid idea, remember we live in the humid south – while this might work in January, try not to come visit us in August without a mask…..so I asked G what we’d be doing with said compost…..a garden was the answer….
Part Two….the worm farm arrives
So, it turns out that you can actually turn the compost into a fertilizer rich soil faster by using some worms. So, then it turns out you can’t just hope the worms come along…no, you have to buy a worm farm. So, after weeks of research, G settled on some European night crawlers (no, they didn’t come from Europe as one of our highly educated friends asked), they got shipped in from south Florida. They arrive via UPS overnight jet service in a plastic tub (again, setting us back another year in our Carbon footprint). I come home from work to find The Oldest and G rooting through the box and the stuffing and setting up the “nest” for the 1000 worms that are about to be laid down for the night. Needless to say to anyone on this email who has ever lived with G, I spent an hour cleaning up after her.
Part Three…..sixty degrees
After the worms were tucked safely in their home – which looks like a large tupperware storage bin – G continued to read the instructions and said “um, it says here the worms need to be kept at above sixty degrees…”. It took me a moment to do the math, but I asked “are you saying the worms are housepets until the Spring?”. Yup, the worms made a beeline for our bathtub, where for some reason we had to keep the light on all night, even though the lid sealed it shut…remember, we’re going “green”. After G went to check on her boys before turning in for the night, she popped the lid on the worms and wished them well in their new home…how sweet.
Part Four….first time, shame on you…
The next morning, upon entering the bathroom….yup, worms everywhere. I don’t mean one worm got out, I mean 300 worms got out. I mean the worms were out of the bin, out of the tub, and headed for the closets. I mean there were worms in the jets of the whirlpool, in the drain and pretty much everywhere but in the bin. You see, it turns out that 11 PM G didn’t quite get that seal right, and so those worms must’ve had some anxiety, and out the tub they went. G noticed them first and said to me “um, we have a problem”….I think my response at that hour was something like “sweetie WE don’t have a problem….”.
So, with a death count somewhere in the 10% range, we still had 900 viable, hungry, happy worms. Only thing was, we needed to get them out of the house, and it was going to hit 45 degrees last night. So, the garage seemed like a happy medium to G. With help, she was able to secure a good seal – but then The Next Door Neighbors stopped by, and the 3 year old twins, Peeps and Biscuit must see the worms! Yup, didn’t seal the lid. Yup, worms everywhere this morning. Yup, even worse than last time. Yup, they got into everything in the garage and died horribly dehydrated, cold deaths. I saved the strongest of the strong – the 100 worms that simply would not yield to G’s tough love farming techniques. I saved them by taking them deep into the woodline and dumping the tupperwear over…..but for 900 of their friends and family…it was simply too late.
Afterword, I’m told that we can keep the container and replicate the bedding, that all we’ll need to do in March is to get some more worms. So I can’t really swear that this story has reached its climax yet – but I can promise to keep you up to date on our mission to save the planet. The Dwyers are coming to town this weekend, and Kev has requested a non-wormed room…I don’t think he understands the joy of going green like I do…we’ll try to get him the religion.