Actually, do I even owe you progeny an apology? You are children, after all, not actual PEOPLE. And, besides, as I inform you frequently, our house is not a democracy. Life is unfair, this is just of the many lessons you will learn that will prove it.
I ate half your Easter baskets before you even woke up on Sunday morning. I did. You wonder why there was only one Almond Joy Egg to be found? Just one? I devoured the other 5 like a lion in the drought season stumbling upon slumbering impala. Furthermore, I do this EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
I should feel a titch guilty, should I? After all, the Easter Bunny spent all that time shopping for those delicious treats, stuffing the numerous eggs, hiding all of the eggs ALL FOR YOU…but I don’t. Not one bit. I blame myself everytime one of you says a potty word at the most inopportune time, pew dives at church, and for the basic fact that your vegetable intake is pathetic. (Why didn’t I give you kale smoothies when you were toddlers??? WHY? WHY????) I refuse to feel guilty about stealing something that is deemed bad for you… from you.
In my advanced age, my sweet tooth has dulled. Yes, I used to survive on Swedish Fish alone. Nowadays, I maybe eat dessert half a dozen times a year. (Don’t be silly, Readers. Instead I save my gluttonous ravages for a variety of cheeses, potato products and decadent pastas.) But, one holiday and one holiday alone reingnites that sweet tooth that reigned so long ago…Easter.
Is it the egg shape of the candy that is so enticing? A Reese’s Peanut Butter Christmas Tree doesn’t taste nearly as good as a Easter Egg. Whoppers take a distant second to The Robin Egg. And is there nothing better than Van Gogh-ing a chocolate bunny and crunching down into a hollowed out ear???
You will not know it, you silly little children, because you received so much additional high fructose corn syrup infused products from all your relatives, but I will continue to rob your baskets until Memorial Day when the ding-ding-ding bell goes off in my head and I remember I have to be in a bathing suit IN PUBLIC chasing a 3 year old around all summer.
Your Mother, Looterer of Easter Baskets since 1988*
* BACK STORY ALERT: Yes, since 1988. That was the year I was at the home of our closest family friends. They were like a second family to us, and my “Aunt” always bought the BEST candy for her kids’ easter baskets. (She also bought nougat granola bars which were verboten in my house.) In an uncontrollable fit of gluttony, I plundered 7 year old Carrie’s ENTIRE EASTER BASKET. You have never seen drama like a 7 year old finding her 11 year old friend jamming all the Peeps she could find into her cheeks. Alas, I blame my own mother for this behavior. She was the original organic healthy mom. She made us eat puffed wheat with milk poured from glass containers and bought whole wheat bread when it was only sold at health food stores. She kept no sugar in the house, so when I found sugar, I horded it. And yes, thankfully, Carrie has forgiven my candy transgressions. I think.